50 Reasons Why I Hate IKEA*

1. Smug couples. 2. My own feeling of inadequateness when observing said 'smug couples'. 3. Families. 4. Unruly children. 5. Unruly AND disobedient children 6 Excessively unruly and disobedient children who are not intimidated by strangers (me) scowling at them for said disobedience, carrying on gleefully, all the while their parents blissfully and purposefully unaware. 7. That I don't see more children on child-leashes in IKEA, when this is one of the only social occasions where the leash would not only be acceptable, but appreciated. 8. People getting excited about horse meat. 9. The fact that the staff are basically in fancy-dress costumes. 10. The names of the stuff having no relation to what the item actually is. 11. Having to take a photo of the item I want in the catalogue because I have no ability to memorise these random Swedish words. 12. The fact I have to walk through an entire showroom in order to get to the stuff I actually need. 13. The fact that this stuff is located in a converted shed adjoining the showroom, it is called: the warehouse. 14. Strip-lighting. 15. The fake "artwork". In particular the NYC cityscape landscape - I'm looking at you. Anyone who has this in their home, or who has purchased one of these monstrosities in the name of 'art' and interior decoration: you have no taste. 16. The animal skin rugs. 17. White plastic EVERYTHING. 18. The smell of the food court - it's glorified airplane food. 19. That the staff see you as a burden, as opposed to a human being, and therefore, actively chose to ignore you. 20. The escalators. There is always only one at a time, going in one direction only. Once you enter: you shall not pass* *meaning one cannot simply leave the store. Ever. 21. Those stupid yellow bags I have to put my shopping in. 22. The fact I have to take my stuff out of the stupid yellow bag, and into a brand new stupid BLUE bag in order to transport it home. 23. The fact that these blue bags (although admittedly reusable) are probably destroying the environment. See here. 24. That IKEA produces (insert number) of these bags every year. 25. The fact that everyone I know has at least one of these bags at home/in their flat/at work. 26. That I feel like an idiot carrying said blue bag around after I have just bought my stuff, and that everyone on the IKEA bus can also see what I bought because the bag is actually the size of a small fishing-boat/canoe. 27. The fact that my new (insert item here) is rolling around the ground of the IKEA bus of doom as nothing actually *fits* in to these stupid bags. 28. My own idiocy due to the fact that I have at least 5 of these bags at home and I could have thought to bring one instead of buying another and adding to said pile. 29. Knowing that the only time that one of these stupid blue bags will ever see the light of day again is when I move to a new apartment/place/city/country. 30. IKEA being so damn cheap. 31. Due to it being so cheap (and I also), that I will continue to shop there, despite all of the above reasons why I hate it and find it morally repulsive. 32. It being so cheap, AND also selling basically everything: because everyone needs a miniature bonsai tree, am I right? 33. Everyone now has all the same stuff because we all have to shop at IKEA. 34. People who believe it is ok to furnish their entire home with IKEA stuff. 35. When I go to someone's home and recognise that their furniture set is from IKEA. 36. When friends come to my place and point out that they also have/had/their sister has the same desk as mine because they also bought it at an IKEA store located on any corner of the continents. 37. IKEA symbolizing the death of individuality and creativity. 38. That an "IKEA day" is a thing, and usually also takes a day because the system is screwed. 39. That stupid American movies conned me into believing that IKEA is a great location for a date. 40. That every time I go to IKEA I buy a plant because it seems 'civilized' and makes me feel grown-up, or gasp I say 'adult'. 41. That every time I buy said plant I promise myself that it won't be like all the other times when I got bored and it died after 3 weeks. 42. That I now have a graveyard of IKEA plants in barren pots, symbolizing my ineptitude and inability to care for any form of life, beyond myself. 43. On each visit to Ikea I am made aware of how poor I am, and how I wish I had a job with a decent (better) salary. 44. That every time I go to IKEA and observe smug couples, I instantaneously assume they are earning more than me, and that is why they are "happy" and "content" and can afford to buy those strange glasses that look like oversized wine glasses, that are actually perfect for sipping G&Ts whilst stepping over the little people and giggling to the sound of their bones cracking. 45. The audacity to ask for €40 in order to deliver my flat-pack furniture to my home, which is totally necessary because my new shelves are 2 meters long when flat packed - conniving little fiends. 46. That it probably takes 8 weeks for them to delver to my home (because when have you EVER seen an IKEA delivery guy? When?!?!?) 47. The self-checkouts requiring me to scan my receipt before I can get the hell out of this store that I hate. 48. That I convince myself that this will be the last time I ever spend a goddamn cent in this merciless pit where dreams come to be die. 49. *The last time starts right after I buy that 40 cent ice cream from the machine conveniently located at the large Exit doors* 50. That I know, deep deep down, I mean, really far far down, that there *may* be a possibility that I return here in the next 5 years.

*That I am a bitch for IKEA: They got me.